At the End of January Again

Time flies. I thought I just stopped a little bit, then I came back to see my blog today, and found almost 20 days without writing anything here. I always feel that my blog is like a my own private world, where I can tell anything I can without feeling anything uneasy. So, apparently my life is going on quite well lately, and that's why I don't feel like writing anything here to make myself feel a little bit better. But life is not always smooth and fun, sometimes it's quite frustrating. Or maybe I am too sensative, because life itself is still as good as before, it's just because I am a born worrier.

 

I thought on this blog I can only write something that is common and ordinary, and I need to hide my deepest feeling inside myself. But gradually I realize it is not necessary to hide any more, because I want the inner release for myself not the judgments from outside. Because on this place, I don't give a crap about them. Anyway, when someone is in a relationship, I think sometimes it's hard to express themselves, because they may be afraid of hurting others' feelings or getting themselves in inferior positions. No matter how much you love the one, sometimes it's impossible for youself to say from your heart. Or it's possible that the one you love does not love you as you thought, and that's why you feel underappreciated or igonred or disrespected or cheated...Your sense of feeling can be totally wrong, but before you have the proofs to get yourself to trust that you are in a secure position, you just keep them inside, so that you won't be surprised or shocked when suddenly one day your relationship comes to an end. In this game, only that you are faithful and loyal is far from enough, you need to try so hard to make every day a brand new day and keep yourself new. It's hard if you are some people who are not accustomed to changes, and if so you will get tired in the end. Also when you are trying so hard to maintain this relationship, you love may keep telling you that some day you will leave, not themselves. In doing so, they are putting all the reasons in you if you can't work it out, and in the end you are the one to blame. It is sad, and it's because that you are unlucky to meet someone like this.

 

On the road to maintain the relationship, I have learned a lot that I couldn't have learned if I wasn't in the relationship. The happiness is technically based on trust and respect. Once you begin to trust someone with all your heart, you are at the highest stake that you may not be prepared to accept in the end--Either hurt so painfully that you will no longer have the guts to love any more, or you feel you are the luckiest person in the world and be happy forever.

 

As for me, I don't think of myself as a lucky guy, nor do I consider myself to be cursed. Sometimes it's good to be in the middle, but for most of people, happiness is the ultimate goal that they are pursuing for their whole lives. I am not an exception either. I want to have my own happiness, and I am willing to pay for it, willing to give it a shot.