Monday, October 26, 2009


It’s said no shaving before the important day can bring luck, so I did not shave today, thinking I could be lucky. But it turned out it was just superstitious to believe in something that does not make sense. Was it karma? I don’t think so, because I did not take my study for granted. Now that I know what brings me here, studying is surely my first priority. Well, let’s trace back to last week then. Last Monday I knew Michael got a fever on the weekend before, and then I found lots of people coughing in the classroom. I started to cough and feel dizzy on Thursday when I began to take pills and capsules. I felt terrible on Saturday and I thought I could barely make it for Monday tests. So I slept a lot without stepping outside the room on the weekend. Of course, I “suppose” I had spent enough time to review the courses for the tests. When I felt better on Sunday afternoon, time was running short when I did not have time to cover what is important in the handouts. Assumably, I had this false impression that I deserve to do well in the tests, although I kind of struggled in the first two times of homework, stunned by those who I thought to be dumb and slow. Yet, this delusions of grandeur made me dumb and slow this time when I realized it was too late to change anything at 12:30pm when everybody was finishing the test. The result might not be something I could be proud of and I should be prepared. So if a proportion of the failure contribution factors has to be made, I’d say a contribution of 1% of getting a cold plus 99% of personal stupidity. Although it’s too early to say it’s a failure, the test in the morning really caught me off guard and it ruined my day. No matter how well I think I did in the math test later today, I was just trying to figure out what went wrong to put myself in such an awkward position. The good thing is it’s not too late to put down my self-esteem a little bit and start from the scratch. Maybe this test was just a wake up call. Studying here does not really give me any advantages that I thought I could have since apparently language is unfortunately turning to a disadvantage for me, quite frankly speaking. Those kids in class are here for their PhD or master’s degrees, and that can already make them stand out from their peers who might either dropped out or found jobs. They are really smart, if not smarter. The language advantage does put them in a favorable position so they don’t have to guess what the hell “solder bead” means to find governing equations to solve the problem. Or maybe even now, I am still trying to find excuses for myself; or if I put it in a nicer way: I am not giving myself a hard time. Whatever it is, life is going to be as hard as I expected, if not harder. I hope I am ready for it.

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