Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Well, I have to admit the things I am dealing right now are more complicated than I thought. I totally underestimated how hard it can be to be at the position where I am right now. I need to make decisions all the time, and that's the hardest part. Avoiding difficulties definitely put me in an vulnerable situation, and I think it's time for me to gradually throw away this inferiority complex and embrace whatever comes my way, since I don't think I am less qualified than others when it comes to critical thinking. I have the right instinct as others, and I just hesitate to make a quick decision.

Working does have pressure, and I am feeling it right now. It's going to be good for me, and I have been told by others many times. How good will this pressure be? I have doubts. I am, again, at a low point of my life now, and I hope to get out of this weird circle as fast as possible. No help could be provided here, and I need to figure it out all by myself. I used to try hard looking for my comfort zone, but once I got there, I found there are more awaiting ahead. The messy becomes messier to some extent. There are people trying to bring you down some day, and there are things getting in your ways some day. But it's we who can let ourselves down every day. Sometimes, the-don't-give-a-damn kind of attitude can help with this too sensitive feelings-who cares about what others think about you. As long as you are making the right choice and doing the job right, then you score. Making friends at the work place is not the priority after all. Being tough and the pain in the ass are something I could do, but I have been trying to get things done the way I want in a kind manner. It seems to me I need to bring that evil bitch back sometimes. It won't hurt to be a little more assertive instead of being quiet and presumptuous after all. Everybody knows that I am an RCG, and that would be the best pretext if something goes wrong in the end. Also it would be the best opportunity to learn new things. I am humbled at this point, and I believe that's where all the modest feelings come from. I need one second to think how things can be done while not giving a thing about others. It is good that I have this environment to chasten myself, but it's always a double-edged sword. What I might be eventually is yet unclear, I have to say. It's complicated.

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