Not An Abandoned Child

Being mentally suffered for some time, I was like being tossed about aimlessly in the turbulent mental sea...It seemed to me that every day was like the cocaine which made me so numb, because I was just avoiding facing the harsh truth that I would not have a good result in this so called hardest exam in the world. All because of my indulgence into the endless fun of wasting my time and energy during the beginning of this semester, I felt it was extremely pressing that I should make up my mind to start my mission right away. The harder I push myself, however, the more I felt I was helpless every time.

 

Another confession I need to make is that for the first time I felt that I was like an abandoned child lost in the dark forest who was making his way out to find the slightest brightness that he might perceive, which might light his thoughts and give him strength...Along all the way, I was just waiting, waiting for my final destiny, because I just have the weakest faith that I would not be left behind. It was really dangerous, because I did not respect myself; because I just gave my fate to the unknown, and I was ashamed of what I have done, and I felt sorry for letting down the people who trusted me and gave me support...And all I have done there was not making these things up, but ignoring the pain that I am already suffering. Without any outsiders to help, I guess I won't pass this disaster...Luckily, my salvation came again...But this time, I don't feel  I won, by contrast, I felt I am a loser who can not stand up on his own; who can not handle whatever comes his way; who might very well lose again in the future; because I am not sure what I can conquer at last. This is my weak point of my personality, that is withdrawing in front of the hardship...And this is fatal...

 

Well, not being a born worrier, this time I felt up again, because I find another excuse for my further indulgence into the chaos of my college life--I have postponed the exam, by which I mean I have another 3 months to prepare this exam. The bad things are what I have mentioned above---mostly my inner feeling about myself, but the good thing is that after all I did not give up on myself, and I am still trying...

 

At this moment, I really want to thank somebody who has let me have the second opportunity. More often than not, opportunity comes once in a life time. Once you blow it, you never get it back, no matter what you are willing to pay afterwards...Although I don't know who I want to thank, I just feel grateful...Meanwhile, I am awake from this dark long night...

 

Stick to it, man...Don't let yourself down, and don't be a LOSER!!!