Breathing

Ok, it’s no fun to compare yourself with someone who has experienced some kind of tragedy to make yourself feel better, but all the tears and agony might not easily ease if I cannot think of something else. I got up early in the morning, because I couldn’t sleep last night. As I was walking on the road to work, I was still pondering where went wrong to make myself like this. I thought of Jie, my aunt’s sister. I have never met this lady in person, because she is not my close relative. I have heard so many things about her, because she was my role model when I was in high school. She is intelligent, talented and more importantly she was loved by her boyfriend. She got everything that others want in their lives. As I got into college and left my hometown, I seldom heard parents mention her any more. And I thought she should have had her happy ending. Jie dated her boyfriend for 15 years, and they bought their house together. The only thing left there seemed to be the process of marriage, and I wished I could be that lucky. The last time I went home, mom told me that her boyfriend broke up with her and everybody was stunned including me. Her boyfriend left her because he said he didn’t have feelings any more, but everybody knows that  he was promoted to a manager in a very good company and he doesn’t need any help from others any more because he can take good care of himself already. There was love in that relationship, otherwise they couldn’t have been together for 15 years. As they didn’t get married in such a long time, it should mean something already. I guess it’s just true that people in love cannot see things clearly. My parents told me that Jie shouldn’t have dated that guy in the first place, because he wasn’t well educated and he doesn’t know what commitment is. It’s quite selfish and irresponsible to just walk away like that. That’s what I heard at least, but I do feel sorry for Jie. The last time I heard about her was when mom told me on the phone that Jie has made her decision that she will not marry any guys any more and she has sold that house. She has a well paid job and she lives a decent life there, but she is almost 35. Yes, when we are wandering between single and relationships, we get hurt or we get happy, but time is always slipping away. How many lives do we need to live to get just one right? Some people are lucky but some are not. We still have to live though. Just because we love each other since we make each other happy doesn’t mean that we can give ourselves pretext to walk away from a situation which is temporarily difficult and that commitment can be trampled easily. Love is not just about being happy together, it also means pulling through harsh situations together. I am still breathing and just as the horoscope predicted that I need to rearrange things that will affect me a long time at the end of July, I guess it’s the time. I packed all the stuff that was left in my place in a package and I wish I could pack all the memories away too. I want things to be that simple, yet I am a human being with a heart. What’s left here is I still have my life and I am still breathing to survive.