Long February

Been back to Shanghai for just 3 weeks, and I feel it’s like been forever. It’s somehow tedious to me at some point. Little tiny things can get me sometimes at night, and I could not sleep well. I need to get out of this weird circle, and I need to LIVE MY LIFE. I worked last Sunday, and Monday went on pretty well based on what I have seen. So we have reasons to chill a bit after Wednesday. What bothers me, however, is I don’t know how to spend my spare time-I either play Civilization 4 for hours or get trapped in TV series, dreaming I could be the photographer or fashion designer in America’s Next Top Model. It’s simple and easy to get lost, and feel too tired to stand up and fight. This negative energy is from inside, not physically. I tried to talk over this on the phone, but I only find that people are getting further and further from where I am. It’s interesting that sometimes when you over think too much, things change-either good or bad-you just get more confused. I deserve better-that’s what I told myself, but am I getting better? I have no idea!

Another thing: it was honestly quite embarrassing during lunchtime yesterday, because I accidentally ate some pizza during the meeting, which was not supposed to be eaten by us. The weird feeling came from other people’s reactions, and I am sure some of them did not feel ok about it. But, again, I might still play my newbie card, and I can get the forgiveness hopefully, thanks to that. Or they just simply did not care about it-it’s just a piece of pizza, for God’s sake. I gave the leftover salad to my hamsters in the evening, and they did not even like it. It’s always good to learn something from wherever, and what intrigued me during the meeting yesterday was how the lecturer handled the questions from the audience: The excellent questions are those existing in my presentation; the good questions are those I know the answers; the interesting questions are those I would like to know the answers. Smartness and shrewdness, that’s what the Jews are famous for.

I have finished the long journey back home, but I feel like having another one again. Maybe I am affected by my classmates or my cousin, since they put lots of their time on researching and planning where to travel, although I am not spending my time doing that at all. Maybe I should! Seeing is learning, and there is so much I have not seen yet. 26 is not old, and the journey has just started.