I am surprised how tolerant I can be sometimes, although I heard forgiving others means forgiving yourself. No matter how bad I was betrayed before, after some time, I can get over the sufferings and I can forgive the person. Not only am I scared by myself, but also I feel ashamed of it. The pain I had does not take its toll on me, but the happiness and intimacy we used to have are well remembered. Goldfish can only remember things for 7 seconds, and the world would be a brand new one for them after 7 seconds. So, technically, I am just like a big goldfish. Although my rationality tells me I should get over the past and live out loud a new life, my irrational side just keeps giving me this impulse to get back to the past. I am concerned about this, and I feel disgraceful. It’s paradoxical.
I hope we can be friends, and that’s my reason. So the permanent painful scar left there can be erased eventually by surrendering to friendships. Or I can assume that my memory is just too good to let go of the past, and I am still getting over the pain by this. I am forgiving the people I thought I would hate or ignore for the rest of my life, because I am not strong enough to hold the grudge against them forever. Or maybe I am undergoing the hard time in my life right now, and I am in desperate need of someone to stand by my side to be supportive. I cannot bear the agony all by myself, nor can I have all the happiness alone.
I will be better and I am sure about it, but I just hope the hard time can slip away faster.