Busy, Messy and Rainy

It is always raining lately, and if I did not have anything to do, I would love it. But when the rain is with something else, it would totally piss me off. I need to wear my suit to have interviews, and the rain apparantly is not helping. Thinking about tons of tasks, and with the mud on my shoes, I just don't know what I can do to chill, though it is chilly in the air...I was doing quite well at the same time last year, but this year it seems everything is going against me, or what I have done before should "pay off" now...Darn~

Being helpless and tired, I feel sad and despaired. All the good dreams and wishes are going farther and farther from me, way beyond my reach. The past seems to be a tattoo left in my heart, and I will always have it, never forget. All the laughter, jokes, pranks and chit-chats right now just seemingly help me cover my wound, but they never helped deeply. Once the sudden sadness comes, it is just overwhelming, out of control, unpredictable...I still get to thinking so deep that I get myself trapped in the circle of delusion. It would have been so good, if I weren't...if I didn't...if I never...if I were...if I did...if I knew...