Summer is Ending

So finally the summer is coming to an end. Surely I will remember this summer. Summer used to be fun time with infinity possibilities of things to do. But this time, rhythm was built in a way that wasn't what I envisioned. I didn't travel as what I thought I would have and this limbo state is suffocating. I think it's a good thing that it's almost over.

July

I thought this summer would have been great, but when reality hit, I really don't know when things will get better. It's always easy to destruct than to construct-way more easier. Destruction costs nothing but impulsion, but construction takes everything from perseverance, wisdom, strength, and so many more. I am trying to keep my sanity every day and I don't remember last time the pain was so consistently long. It's been difficult but I think I can still do it...

Cold May

 May is almost over and it wasn't warm this month. Memorial Day weekend is also supposed to be cold. That's what I have to deal with, so let it be. I cannot change what's around me, so I will just have to get used to it.

I took Andrew to Hoover Dam Reservoir to kayak last week and he apparently was not scared of water, unlike Eddie or Pierre. Andrew almost jumped out of the kayak to chase those geese who were spooked by us. I never knew it was so much fun to kayak on Hoover Dam and it's good to discover something new. Knowing it's not far from home is really great. It was such a peaceful moment to be on the water, knowing everything else is on the shore behind us.

This Spring

 This spring feels like winter that's perpetually frozen and I am so drained even when I know bad times won't last forever. I was hoping to see sunlight after Tuesday lunch but I am realizing reality is probably more complicated than I anticipated. I tried and I gave it all. It's almost like I pushed a pause button on my life and I know that's not fair. Every day is supposed to beautiful but there are always those moments when it's hard to breathe. I told Uncle Larry that I am scared of those dark moments and I don't know what those are. He said maybe it's panic attack. I think I will take it at least I know I am ok. 

Spring is always my favorite although it's short here. Andrew still struggles with using the bathroom on his own in the backyard. I wish Pierre and Eddie could teach him how to run around in the yard and bark at neighbor's bigger dogs whenever they want. Andrew is scared of everything and maybe the yard is indeed too big for him alone-I am worried a big bird could take him away since he is alone. I loved that he followed me when I mowed the grass. I am sure he knows he is vulnerable too since his brothers are not here to protect him. He doesn't seem to mind loud noise from the lawn mower and apparently following me is his first priority. 

Meet Andrew

 Maybe it was just meant to be sometimes. When God sends you a signal, you might as well take it. I wasn't looking for a dog though I miss Pierre and Eddie. This black toy poodle reminded me of our Andrew we lost years ago. To have "Andrew" back would mean so much at this moment. So I did something crazy by driving hours all by myself to adopt him! I waited in the parking lot for over 30min and thought I was stood up. When I started to laugh at myself for doing something stupid like this, I got the text replying to me saying that her son had her phone and that was why she missed the time. Fortunately, I didn't leave and waited until that Honda van eventually showed up. She apologized, but I was grateful that this dream finally came true-he just looks like Andrew! The birth name on the CKC certificate won't be used and his name is Andrew!

I was trying to listen to a book on the way back but he was unsettling and started to woof, which sounded like he was singing. I know everything was new to him, the smell, the surroundings, the bumpy ride in my ancient car, and me. So he must be stressed from separating from that family. I switched to the music for him and hoping I won't fall asleep while driving. I started to woof with him and sing to the songs I was playing. Maybe he sensed my energy that needed the company, he settled down on my lab and leaned his head on my body. He looked up at me while I was singing "Exile" and I looked back at him in his eyes. That didn't take too long for him to fall asleep on my lap.

I gave him a shower and groomed him after coming back home. I am glad Andrew is back!